Feel so close - A little too close...

I recently moved in with Chad after a long year living downtown. I overestimated my income and struggled through the winter with money. I couldn't really enjoy living there because I had to conserve money. So no going out to try downtown cuisine, no going out to bars or taking taxis everywhere like I had imagined.

Chad and I have talked about living together and we were going to after my lease was up. I decided to move in with him and leave downtown. I counted down the days until my lease was up, it felt like forever because my awful neighbors would party so much and the walls were thin. I got them evicted my last month there. I thoroughly enjoyed my last few weeks there because it was much quieter.

Anyhow, I've been living with the Chadster for about a month now. It mostly feels like I'm hanging out at his place and it's not quite my place yet. In mid December we're moving to a bigger place, right now it's a 532 sq. ft. apartment. I'm still getting used to doing my own thing while at home, because before when I would come over we'd spend every moment together, but now I need to get back to a "me" routine.

It's so hard to get out of a warm bed when your partner is sleeping, and perhaps his energy is spreading onto me. He's been unemployed since we've lived together, it's not quite the most attractive thing about him now. I'm excited for him to get a job so I get to be alone. It's been great living together though, I love being with him, but I'm still getting used to it.  If I could be alone for a couple hours here I'd feel better. So I'm going to start waking up extra early so I can blog/journal or workout and get my breakfast and lunch and snacks packed for the day. I love waking up early. I feel so put together when I wake up early and get my workout and breakfast in.

We get along great, I can spend every moment with him if I can, but I wouldn't be so productive. I have to keep in mind that I need to do something off my "To Do" list while I'm at home with him. I am excited to be living in a larger space though, I'm getting a little too claustrophobic. :P

Dance Again - Blast from the past

I read an old blog I wrote long ago during college, I liked how I wrote back then so much more. I just wrote about whatever that was on my mind and I really felt like I was back inside my goofy thoughts. Then I noticed how much I've matured and gotten so boring. Yikes! I saw some old random shit I made on photoshop too. I used to be more creative. What the fuck happened? I miss the old creative me. So my goal is to write like I used to. I'm going to write about whatever random thing. Make some random photoshop artwork.

What does that all have to do with the song/video 'Dance Again' that I posted at the beginning of the post? I see my creativity/artwork as a metaphor for dancing. I saw that video last night and I'm probably going to do a dance to this song for my Cardio Fit Tease class. We're picking a song that represents our sexuality now. This video is pretty sexy and I do feel sexier now, I think it best depicts me at the moment. However, I should do some actual dancing again. I used to love dancing at the night clubs. I'm over night clubs though, but a few nights a year couldn't hurt. My view of sexy isn't the same as it was several years ago. Back then it was more like Cosmopolitan (the lame magazine that filled my head with things that I thought guys would think is sexy, and maybe the ones 25yrs and younger did think it was sexy), now I don't know how to describe sexiness, but it's definitely not Cosmo magazine.

Soft Shock - Goodbye to eHarmony and the like

Before I had met Chad, I met most guys through online dating. I did it for about a year and a half, it was a fun and exciting ride at first but it quickly got old and exhausting. I'd go through cycles of putting up my profile and then hiding it when I wasn't really feeling like meeting a guy. Most of my dates were only one maybe two meetups, and never to see each other again. When I got bored I'd put my profile back up then something happened where I was just over it and I'd take it down again. I got really selective towards the end and trying to keep an open mind was really difficult.

One of the best feelings of all was to permanently take down my profile. I waited a month or two into my relationship with Chad before I took down my profiles on eHarmony and Plenty of Fish. It was a different than the other times I hid my profile, I erased my profile. I can't explain the relief and happiness I felt when took down my profiles entirely.

During my single days, I was always optimistic about meeting someone, even when I was discouraged from dating. I felt that I was close to meeting that special someone even though I never knew what the next day would bring. I refused to believe that all the good ones were taken. I did meet some good guys, for some reason or another 'we' did not work out, I didn't like them or they didn't like me. We just weren't compatible. Even though I didn't meet Chad through online dating, I do recommend single ladies ages 25+ to do it and to not lose hope (also keep other avenues of meeting people open). So many people meet that way and it was the easiest way to meet a lot of people. It helped me really figure out what I wanted and what I didn't want, so a lot of good came out of it. When I met Chad, I  felt different than I felt with all the other guys I met before him, I knew that he was worthwhile... It was like a 'Soft Shock'.

We're over a year and a half into our relationship and I'm finally going to take him home to meet my family, that's a different story on it's own on why I took so freaking long. =P Anyhow, he's the first guy I'm bringing home formerly to meet the family in my life so it's a big deal.

What are you waiting for?! - My horrible procrastination habit

"Take a chance cuz' you might grow" 

When I was in college I had so many options on what I will do after I graduate. Ironically, I'm still doing the job that I was doing while I was in college. Perhaps I'm too comfortable where I'm at and my confidence in myself isn't so high to go for what I wanted. These past few years I can't say that I haven't learned anything or wasted my time, because I learned much more about myself. I moved to Vail away from everything I know to experience something different and to see how I'd do in a place where I don't know anyone, I started my little nail business in Denver and 2 years later it has flourished quite a bit & I met a wonderful man that I experience love with everyday.

However, I'm revisiting an old goal I sort of gave up on after college. I had visions of being a website/graphic designer. I'd still like to do that and maybe get on the web developing side as well. I'm ready for a challenge and a career change. I feel a little disappointed that I never went through with this goal so I would like to conjure them up again. I know I can do this, I don't know why I gave up on it. I guess I had a calling to do other things first. I'm feeling burnt out at my current job and it's motivating me to try something different to earn income.

I just gotta' stay motivated and I should make a playlist, Gwen Stefani will definitely be on it. Some steps I've taken to work towards my goals is that:

• I signed up for Lynda.com - A site that has high quality tutorials in computer programs and other stuff. 
• I will complete a whole tutorial a week (they take several hours to complete).
• I'm starting to take one half day a week to work on my skills and business.
• I will have my website up by November 1st or sooner
• I hope to take on a lot of small projects to gain experience and have a portfolio to show employers by August 1st, 2013

Somebody that I used to know - The ex

I was cleaning out my Facebook friend list. There were so many people on there that I just don't care about and I don't really care if they know what I'm up to, in fact I don't want them to know what I'm up to. After I cleaned out my list, I noticed someone had cleaned me off their list. My first love "John", I looked him up to see if he still had a page and he did. So I was slightly bummed that he took me off. He was the one that was adamant about staying friends when we broke up. It's been years since we've had a conversation. I saw him at a restaurant with his family last year, all we said was hi to each other and some slight small talk. The situation was weird though, I didn't really care to go up to his family to say hi, I haven't seen them in years. His long time girlfriend (now fiance) was there and I don't really think she likes me all too much. I don't blame her, I am the ex.

I found out that he's getting married this September, and I don't know how I feel about it. I found my wonderful love Chad and he treats me so good, he gets me and we get along so well. I just kinda felt like a loser maybe because John is now a Dentist and he's gonna make the big bucks doing what he enjoys, and I'm just kinda stuck at the moment paying off my damn debt that I racked up over the years. I'm proud and happy for him, he kept up with the intense schooling and dedication. I'm also envious, because I still want to go through schooling myself to become an acupuncturist and also hope that Chad gets motivated to do something more with his career. While I was working my 2nd job cleaning Victoria's Secret in the mornings, I had a lot of time to just think while working. For a few days there I thought about John, because I had just heard that he was getting married in September, I was trying to sort out my feelings on that. I felt like a loser because I was working a cleaning job, and not really near being married.

John broke my heart 10 years ago and I had a hard time coping because I have never felt that kind of pain. It took a little too long to get over him. I don't miss him now, I'm happier nowadays. My insecurity was over the top back in the day, it's better now. I can see why John couldn't handle me.

I saw John at a restaurant while I was with Chad and his friends recently. I'm pretty sure he saw me too, but I could be wrong. We didn't even say hi to each other, I pretended I didn't see him. There's not really a need to say much to each other. He is a stranger to me now. It's just so weird and almost feels like a lifetime ago that him and I were lovers and he was my best friend, and now we're nothing along with all the other ex boyfriends/lovers I've had. I always thought that it's not such a big deal to stay friends with exes however I guess it is a big deal because I'm not really close friends with any of mine. It's better that way and I can see why John deleted me from his facebook friends. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Remember the Time - With Chad

I met Chad in my 8th grade science class sometime during the mid 90's, we were seated near each other in Mr. Pfiefer's Science class and we goofed off during class in our little section of the classroom. We quickly became friends and we would talk on the phone for hours and hours. He was the first guy I had long phone conversations with. In middle school when I was at my most awkward, he was the person that helped me feel normal. We'd talk forever about random stuff, what kind of music we liked, the latest video game on the Super Nintendo, last night's TV show episode of whatever show we both watched. I definitely remember my cd player playing Smashing Pumpkins Melloncollie and the Infinite Sadness album playing on repeat during those days, we both liked that album. Even though we were so close, I didn't see Chad as more than a friend. In fact I wasn't very attracted to him at that time. I think I may have heard some rumors that he had a crush on me and as soon as I heard that, of course I denied it and was embarrassed. I was super young, innocent and naive in the middle school years and my traditional Vietnamese parents would never let me hang out with boys, let alone have a boyfriend.

It worked out better that we didn't date in the 8th grade, I don't think it would've lasted. I appreciate Chad much more now because I had gone through so much with guys the past 10+ years. I felt like I've been treated so bad in the past that now I can really appreciate the good. I think I would've taken the good treatment from Chad for granted if I didn't know what else was out there and how other guys were.

Chad is my sweetie pie, he makes me feel safe and secure. He's always there for me and he's a great listener. Chad stands up for himself and for me in certain situations and isn't afraid to speak his mind, even though I sometimes don't agree with him. It's ok I love him anyway. :)

"Remember the Time" by Michael Jackson brings me back to the time because this song came out in the 90's when I met Chad and of course the contents of the lyrics.